Gosh, I Can’t Complain!

So work wanted us to write a poem on how we cope in the pandemic. This was something i quickly put together. 

Gosh, I Can’t Complain!

 

At last I think, I have a job;

At last I think, I am losing weight;

At last I think, to re-open the travel list, again!

Sudden comes the pandemic, gushing in to control my every breathe

I can’t work in a shared room, I mumble – gosh, I can’t complain, I have work to feed my brain;

I can’t go to the gym, I gasp – gosh, I can’t complain, I have food on my plate (and some chocolate too);

I can’t travel anymore, I whine – gosh, I can’t complain, I live so close to the sea;

I miss my space, I sigh – gosh, I can’t complain, I have a home to live;

My whole routine is thrown sideways, I grumble - gosh, I can’t complain, I am alive!

 

Peaceful vibes

I was writing down the date a couple of minutes ago, 01/11/2019.... WTF! It is already November, and in two months, it is going to be 2020. Yes, 2020... And we all thought 2020 is like far far away!

Just so amused and helpless wondering the speed at which time flies!!

I do not have much to write about and nothing is particularly bothering me at the moment, which has to be vented out. I haven't been this peaceful in many days. I am really grateful to the universe in guiding me. My life in Dublin is a case of pure chance. I have a super unpredictable day, and changes the course. Just like a litle brook, hitting the rocks and maneuvering new paths.

I have absolutely no idea how Philip bumped into my profile on LinkedIn and why he proactively took the initiative to help me. And, that my friend, is a major course changer for me. Comhlamh made me feel at home. The topics, the conversations, and the eye-openers. Trade Justice course is THE course I needed. It is not something that would help me in employment directly but is definitely something that stirred and nourished something deeper. It did nudge me from a slumber I long went into. I look forward to more discussions and activities. Not to forget the lovely people I met there.

And CBM is everything I can ask for at this moment. It gave me an organisation to connect with. A set of colleagues to talk to. And the purposefulness of getting back to a routine and doing something productive. It does wonders to my CV too :D And all this, because of this one man. So so grateful, indeed!

I don't know how I can show him my gratitude, but I can surely help someone who is in need. This reminds of the movie Stalin! I want to help Meme - the Eco Friendly Gift Store in all ways I can. Just a way of showing my gratitude to the universe. 

By the way, I just had a preliminary call for the role of CSR & Supplier Diversity Analyst. Sounds so cool!! And have an interview for Corporate Responsibility Executive on Wednesday. Yet to complete my Programme Support Officer application. Should hear from the Marketing & PR Role as well. Positive things lined up. Hoping for the best! Just content that the road I took is not a cul de sac :D

Caffeine high!

A bad day to have a second cup of coffee. My brain is just too active!

Thoughts and more thoughts. Have tasks to complete? Yes. I made a list of them too - the first thing I did as I came to work. Yet, my mind is wandering in a web of unanswered questions!

Global Value Chains, Trade for Development and Rural Livelihoods, Market Linkages... these are the things that stir me inside out. Feel like someone is shaking off the mundane slumber and compelling me to follow thy path. 

I see so much activity happening in India. I know it is the right time to be home, to be part of a bigger whole and to play my teeny tiny part in the change game. To think, to do, to learn. Ha!

Am I not doing the same here? Probably yes, but may be I am not the global citizen yet. My heart and mind are trapped back home. 

Well well, sitting in a metro was never my idea of an ideal job, and that made it easy to migrate to a foreign land. But I am glad, really glad to have made that move. I would never have realised my true calling had I not stepped out of my comfort zone. The last two years have confirmed and reconfirmed my passion in trade as a tool for development. The Trade Justice course has opened my mind to a whole lot of perspectives. Trade deals never crossed my mind when I thought of development. SDGs always meant good. May be glorified entities, but the course brought to light the darker shades which were otherwise not discussed in public spaces. 

I was reading about GVCs, and never wondered the climate angle to it. The carbon footprint a t-shirt creates just to make it cheaper results in been extremely expensive for the planet. I am also wondering about the returns an enterprise in the developing country would get if the product is completed in their own country. In terms of monetary as well as skill based returns. Wouldn't that make the enterprise/ a collective of enterprises more self sustaining? They have the capacities to produce a whole over mechanically producing parts of the whole.

Aaahh!! What a relief. I feel lot more stable now. Should quickly get back to my To Do list now. 

Why I join the band wagon?

Yesterday Esther Duflo and Abhijit Banerjee along with Micheal Kremer had won the Nobel Prize for Economics - ironically with the aid of Poor Economics!

I see the entire development community trying to post their alliance with the Nobel Laureates on social media, and I, unlike what I usually do, have joined the band in posting my alliance to them. Opportunist, yes. But I am seriously proud to be associated with the growing tribe of development professionals who are committed in tackling the global poverty in their own stride.  

On a very personal level, I am re-ensured that the decision I made 9 years ago, based on pure instinct is not in vain. I am in a sector with no godparents, no one to guide. All decisions were gut instincts and I knew deep inside if I didn't want to do something, or if I was inclined towards something. Choosing and leaving SELCO, Kudumbashree, SERP and CGG was that easy or tough, and gave me more clarity as I moved on. Bumping into Global Value Chains was an accident, a happy one, for it again showed me the way forward. 

In the same exploratory mode, I bumped into Impact Evaluation, and just like Rural Management, which I knew nothing about when I chose to do a Masters in it, I narrowed it on Impact Evaluation as a Technical area that I want to specialise in. I did a summer school at IRMA in 2015 to get introduced to Impact Evaluation, but that was that. Never had the time to put into practice what I learned. 

I was lucky to bump into the MIT online course on Data, Economics, Development Policy micromasters course and started doing the course in bits and pieces. Well, this is where I was introduced to the nobel laureates,  Esther and Abhijit. I was pleasantly surprised to see an Indian heading The Abdul Lateef Jamal Poverty Action Lab in MIT, J-PAL for short. Consequently, J-PAL became I place I wanted to be associated with, and a Masters in Development Practice seemed my ticket to the organisation. This been said, choosing not to study came with its loooong thought process. I did do another Summer School on Impact evaluation in Trinity College, and did spend a bomb on it. I definitely have a better understanding than before, but I also know my gaps and need to work on them. Only if I get a chance to work on a live project!

Anyways, now that Poor Economics is all over the Development spectra, I am both happy and sad. Happy that the sector and the work is recognised and sad that well, in a saturated small sector, competition is only going to increase! Buckle up Sammy.. Pull your socks up and run the rat race, join the band wagon :D

For now, I am excited, high spirited and just glad that I am on the right track. And as always, trying to mentally isolate from the crowd and run my own marathon ;)

Yet another one to let go

As hard as any decision-making process is, it helps to jot down the reasons before progressing with a decision. 

The first and foremost, unfortunately, for a development professional is the funds. Not even having 10% of the non-EU fees to pay for the course. That being said, it is still THE cheapest of all the courses that I got admitted to. As a manager, I need to see the Return on Investment on the fees. Well, it doesn't seem bad considering the fact that the course is from one of the best universities in Ireland. But, once out of Ireland, and seeing the global perspective, the reputation of the university isn't on par with the so-called famous universities. Nothing against the university, but it is important that the university is famous. IRMA, which ranks as one of the highest in my heart and mind, is unfortunately not as famous as it ought to be. And that only makes my existence in a far off land very hard. Hence, when a reason for doing a course is for global acceptance, it is important that the course is equally famous. Also, Public Policy is unfortunately not as pampered as the Smurfit School. That also makes it a little less appealing. 

Next, I already have a masters or post-grad diploma, so doing another master - grad diploma, though indicates my interest towards a more technical stream, it is important to accept that my interest is more on making myself internationally employable. That brings to the more practical aspect of networking. Here, the college does get a bigger hand at promoting networking. It would take more determination and proactiveness on my side to strive for a better network. 

Now, my change in visa status. In the last 4 months since my Stamp 1g change has taken place, I got shortlisted to IKEA, Allianz, Facebook, Aidlink and Trocaire. And attended EPIC training. Which, are definitely major milestones compared to the responses that happened in the last one year. I also made connections with people. This is what is giving me the hope to let go of a university seat and banking on my previous experience and education.

The way forward is to knock doors for volunteering positions. 

All this is wishful thinking. but what if this doesn't work. Well, what if the course doesn't work. This level of uncertainty cannot be answered for. 

 

There is something which keeps bothering me from within, if you don't take a step forward, you will never move. I am not sure if the step forward should be to take a course and study or to knock some more doors. 

I am at a point where there is no right answer. But, there is no wrong answer either. A university seat might definitely fast pace my career from the current status quo with little to worry about for a year.  With 33 years on this earth, I am not in a position to take a chance with others savings. I am desperate to prove my worth for what it is in a foreign land, no matter how uncertain it might be. 

Wake me up when September ends

September has been my favourite month forever, from the time I was born. It marks the start of my birthday month. I always get super excited on the 1st of September. Looks like adulting is happening the harder way. I don't like to have a bday anymore. It is now a reminder that I have been unemployed and the years are passing. I am entering my mid-thirties, over-weight, with half my hair gone, more than half my mind gone and struggling to make something out of my life. I am even losing my confidence and don't know if I can perform in a job. The thought of my birthday is only making me feel worse than ever. It is like being poked and mocked for all that I could not be. I so hate the way I am turning into. I am tired of answering the question about what I do. Or how I don't get bored sitting at home.
I am tired of being hopeful. I need results. I am losing interest in all those things that excite me. Seeing people travel reminds me of my incompetencies. Wanting to buy something reminds me that I am unemployed. I know what poverty trap is. And not being able to practice what I preach makes me such a hypocrite.  I am only getting to hate the person I am growing into. Status Quo is so depressing.

13th August

13th August, 2008. . 11 years! My first job, my first endeavour on my own... My first memory of hugging daddy as he bids goodbye at my new workplace. Both tear eyed. Still so fresh.
Life on my own, new friends, new places, new memories. Major breakthroughs, to love and to live. A place where I made some of the most important decisions in my life.
I am so amazed the way my brain picks and chooses what it wants to remember and what it likes to forget for ever.
Anyways, I was just watching the hindi movie - Notebook. It is a feelgood movie subtly touching upon a lot of issues. And I can totally connect it to Education for Development. Morning I had my interview at Aidlink. And yes, it was good. It is a very small team - the CEO, Programme Officer and the Admin, Comm and Fundraising Officer. I could see that I can fit into the role. I felt at home. But again, dont want to get my hopes high. I felt the day as my day of new beginnings... but, it's too early to say. I might be called in for another interview. I know that would only make it harder for me to let go if I don't make it then. Ah!! Too much of speculation for things beyond my control.
Ok, back to the movie, it made me want to draw, simple crayon illustrations. Something to just express, to make me feel free. I know this has been running in my mind for a while. I need to break open and breathe. Do things which challenge me. Do new things. Probably work filled it in for me. My trip to Arunachal and Sikkim. The uncertainty. The adventure. Doing things at my own pace, and having control over my actions. I miss travelling on work. I had to walk along the canal to reach Aidlink. I saw scores and scores of people walk in my opposite direction to get to work. Work. Yes, work.  I think it just justifies the purpose of being useful to a larger something than you and your family. Like they say, life begins after the comfort zone. I am too much in my comfort zone and rotting within. 
I so look forward to that job. I look forward to some action. I know I am writing aimlessly. just like the dozens of thoughts floating aimlessly in my head.

Ah forgot, it helps to keep my eyes aimlessly scanning my surrounding in Dublin. The walk by the canal was super good. And found this gem - bee story on the way

Yours aimlessly floating,
Me

Substitution

After the high of EPIC programme, I saw myself fall down down down. Amidst a lot of craziness, I realised that I was putting on a lot of weight and losing a lot of hair. --> Waiting for a day when I would be losing a lot of weight and growing more hair. Anyways, a quick google search for weight gain + hair loss + acne said I need to detox. Cut sugar, coffee and junk. Ouch!
Being the super lazy bum that I am, I started thinking of substitution over cutting off. So there came broccoli, sweet potato, hummus, boiled channa, sprouted green peas, almond butter, and infused fruit teas. Did they help in cutting done much? Well well.. I can't say I reduced my intake. I can only say I reduced my refined intake. I had bulger wheat instead of rice for lunch which made me feel super full for long. Broccoli and/or sweetpotato for dinner. Sweetpotato for a slice of bread, almond butter for chocolate spread and hummus for cheese spread. First week was good. Now again the interview tamasha set in. Food seems to be the only thing which the brain is triggering for normalcy. Stupid, ignorant fatty lump!

Just felt like writing this down.

Doing everything but preparing for my interview tomorrow.

Ta ta
Me

Defensive brain

Sometimes, I am amazed by the sheer defensive mechanism my brain exhibits. I have an interview tomorrow with Aidlink as a Programme Officer. The role is so far the best fit I came across. And the first interview for a full-time development job in Ireland. So, isn't it obvious that I should be super prepared and give in my all?

But, my brain is programming me differently. I can see that it is not excited. I am sitting with so much relevant information in front of me. Nothing gets into my head.
Looks like the brain hasn't yet recovered from the last rejection. It isn't letting me put my heart into the preparation; afraid of another heartache? It still amazes me how much that little lump of fat and protein is drawing my attention away from the interview by giving me a fever. That doesn't work? It makes me want to eat every 30 minutes. Tea, coffee, salad, lunch, chocolate, oatcake and whatnot.

The last three interviews saw my system go topsy turvy. Sleepless nights, loose motions, anxiety. I felt more connected with the jobs, though they weren't exactly what I was looking for. I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to them but I gave them my best. With every round, Allianz got my hopes rising. I crashed big time when I didn't make it. Haven't fallen so low in 10 years.

Suddenly on Friday afternoon, Aisling calls me scheduling my availability for an interview first thing on a Tuesday. I am scared. Scared of embracing the opportunity. Scared of hoping. Scared of being optimistic. Scared of being vulnerable to rejection.

Ha ha, I just got a mail from Dochas. The mail says that they have offered the position to someone else. Well, I am supposed to feel sad, but that became a normal. I would be surprised if I got selected. But rejected, ah, that's like any other day. I have almost stopped expecting replies to all the applications I send it. Does that sound pessimistic? Probably yes. Isn't it the optimism that makes me apply to the next job again? A state of comfortably numb.
I don't know why I am writing. I probably needed an outlet. I needed to dump all this, detox and start preparing for my interview. I care too much for the position that I want to prepare myself to brace another rejection. I know I would do a decently good to quite good interview, be on some cloud between 1 to 9, float on for a while, brimming with endophine, and thud! fall face flat on the ground when I get a mail saying they found somoeone with a more relevant experience. Nevertheless, I go forward with the whole interview anxiety-post interview high- rejection low - new application cycle over and over again. Not to forget to get the blazer out, and keep it in again.
It is already 1530 and it is high time I get to my objective of the day.
Till again,

Yours thoughtfully,
Sameera

Handicrafts & Me

Today morning Justyna suggested I take a Career Assessment test to find the right job for me. Normally, I would just take it. But this time, I knew what my ideal job would be - strengthening handicraft value chains to make them more viable to the artisan. Ensuring that she gets a fair share and a little more for the sweat and skill she has wholehearted put into the beautiful artifact. She created it and nurtured it - just like her own baby.

When I look back ten years, I quit my first job at Hewlett Packard. I was trying to figure out what excites me. It was this inherent love for the handmade accessories that made me pursue my masters in rural management. I was a Tier 1 city girl with hardly any exposure to the rural community. I was fascinated by the soft and subtle Mangalagiri,Kalamkari and Pochampally matched with vibrant and intricate Etikoppaka, Jute and Terracotta jewelry. This triggered my interest to dwell deeper and make a career out of it. Guess what, I didn’t even know their names or their places of origin then. That being said, absolutely all my dresses had perfectly matched earrings, bangles, bags, and sandals. Key chains, pencil boxes, pouches, ah, I can go on forever. All HANDMADE – from across the country. I was famous among my peers and colleagues for seamlessly color-coordinating from head to toe. My hostel room had my prized possessions on display. I brought a little bit of my madness to my work desk as well.

It was this craziness which pushed me to travel the country, to see for myself where the piece of cotton or the log of wood or the lump of mud takes life to be such beautiful, vibrant trinkets of joy. And also ponder on ways to keep the family guarded tradition to not die a natural death, and keep reviving them to let the profession be as professional and remunerable as the others.

While at IRMA, I was late to realize the little Garvi Gujari outlet hiding below a famous eatery. Once the treasure was discovered, all my student savings found their rightful abode. The little blue chair I bought, travelled with me from Gujarat to Kerala, to Vizag and then to Hyderabad. I still hold my Kutch leather belt as a prized possession, to be worn only on special days.  

Would you believe that I spent one-third of my salary at a Rangsutra outlet in Bikaner and still felt the need to buy more. I could have bought another Khadi kurta with delicate hand embroidery. Did I forget to mention the black saree with red handwork around the mirrors?   

And that trip to the Jharcraft store in Jharkhand. I literally had to beg the AirIndia staff to allow me to carry my coconut shell painted Warli art hanging, my terracotta tribal girl, my wrought iron sun, all carefully wrapped in kurtas and stoles (also bought in the store) and placed in the same store-bought bamboo boxes. Ah! Those days!

Another favorite is a trip to the Desi Charaka store in Bangalore. What pure delight! The soft patchwork duvets to the elegant jackets and the versatile fabric folders and wallets. What an array of useful and sustainable stuff, at affordable prices.

One of my most fulfilling projects was when I got an opportunity to pilot an Etikoppaka cluster, a Kalamkari cluster, and a Wrought Iron cluster to be sold on an e-commerce platform.  The idea was to cut the middle man and ensure the artisans get a good price for their effort. The only way forward to revive these handicrafts is to ensure the artisans are in sync with the market trends. They should use their skill to create items with a purpose. The added value brings a new life to the product and a better return to the artisans.

As the world is moving towards environmental, social and economic sustainability, these handicrafts made from natural recyclable materials play a more important role than ever before, to stay, and to rule.  Integrating them into the mainstream economy is the way forward.