Sometimes, I am amazed by the sheer defensive mechanism my brain exhibits. I have an interview tomorrow with Aidlink as a Programme Officer. The role is so far the best fit I came across. And the first interview for a full-time development job in Ireland. So, isn't it obvious that I should be super prepared and give in my all?
But, my brain is programming me differently. I can see that it is not excited. I am sitting with so much relevant information in front of me. Nothing gets into my head.
Looks like the brain hasn't yet recovered from the last rejection. It isn't letting me put my heart into the preparation; afraid of another heartache? It still amazes me how much that little lump of fat and protein is drawing my attention away from the interview by giving me a fever. That doesn't work? It makes me want to eat every 30 minutes. Tea, coffee, salad, lunch, chocolate, oatcake and whatnot.
The last three interviews saw my system go topsy turvy. Sleepless nights, loose motions, anxiety. I felt more connected with the jobs, though they weren't exactly what I was looking for. I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to them but I gave them my best. With every round, Allianz got my hopes rising. I crashed big time when I didn't make it. Haven't fallen so low in 10 years.
Suddenly on Friday afternoon, Aisling calls me scheduling my availability for an interview first thing on a Tuesday. I am scared. Scared of embracing the opportunity. Scared of hoping. Scared of being optimistic. Scared of being vulnerable to rejection.
Ha ha, I just got a mail from Dochas. The mail says that they have offered the position to someone else. Well, I am supposed to feel sad, but that became a normal. I would be surprised if I got selected. But rejected, ah, that's like any other day. I have almost stopped expecting replies to all the applications I send it. Does that sound pessimistic? Probably yes. Isn't it the optimism that makes me apply to the next job again? A state of comfortably numb.
I don't know why I am writing. I probably needed an outlet. I needed to dump all this, detox and start preparing for my interview. I care too much for the position that I want to prepare myself to brace another rejection. I know I would do a decently good to quite good interview, be on some cloud between 1 to 9, float on for a while, brimming with endophine, and thud! fall face flat on the ground when I get a mail saying they found somoeone with a more relevant experience. Nevertheless, I go forward with the whole interview anxiety-post interview high- rejection low - new application cycle over and over again. Not to forget to get the blazer out, and keep it in again.
It is already 1530 and it is high time I get to my objective of the day.
Till again,
Yours thoughtfully,
Sameera
But, my brain is programming me differently. I can see that it is not excited. I am sitting with so much relevant information in front of me. Nothing gets into my head.
Looks like the brain hasn't yet recovered from the last rejection. It isn't letting me put my heart into the preparation; afraid of another heartache? It still amazes me how much that little lump of fat and protein is drawing my attention away from the interview by giving me a fever. That doesn't work? It makes me want to eat every 30 minutes. Tea, coffee, salad, lunch, chocolate, oatcake and whatnot.
The last three interviews saw my system go topsy turvy. Sleepless nights, loose motions, anxiety. I felt more connected with the jobs, though they weren't exactly what I was looking for. I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to them but I gave them my best. With every round, Allianz got my hopes rising. I crashed big time when I didn't make it. Haven't fallen so low in 10 years.
Ha ha, I just got a mail from Dochas. The mail says that they have offered the position to someone else. Well, I am supposed to feel sad, but that became a normal. I would be surprised if I got selected. But rejected, ah, that's like any other day. I have almost stopped expecting replies to all the applications I send it. Does that sound pessimistic? Probably yes. Isn't it the optimism that makes me apply to the next job again? A state of comfortably numb.
I don't know why I am writing. I probably needed an outlet. I needed to dump all this, detox and start preparing for my interview. I care too much for the position that I want to prepare myself to brace another rejection. I know I would do a decently good to quite good interview, be on some cloud between 1 to 9, float on for a while, brimming with endophine, and thud! fall face flat on the ground when I get a mail saying they found somoeone with a more relevant experience. Nevertheless, I go forward with the whole interview anxiety-post interview high- rejection low - new application cycle over and over again. Not to forget to get the blazer out, and keep it in again.
It is already 1530 and it is high time I get to my objective of the day.
Till again,
Yours thoughtfully,
Sameera
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