Tuesday, 13 August 2019

13th August

13th August, 2008. . 11 years! My first job, my first endeavour on my own... My first memory of hugging daddy as he bids goodbye at my new workplace. Both tear eyed. Still so fresh.
Life on my own, new friends, new places, new memories. Major breakthroughs, to love and to live. A place where I made some of the most important decisions in my life.
I am so amazed the way my brain picks and chooses what it wants to remember and what it likes to forget for ever.
Anyways, I was just watching the hindi movie - Notebook. It is a feelgood movie subtly touching upon a lot of issues. And I can totally connect it to Education for Development. Morning I had my interview at Aidlink. And yes, it was good. It is a very small team - the CEO, Programme Officer and the Admin, Comm and Fundraising Officer. I could see that I can fit into the role. I felt at home. But again, dont want to get my hopes high. I felt the day as my day of new beginnings... but, it's too early to say. I might be called in for another interview. I know that would only make it harder for me to let go if I don't make it then. Ah!! Too much of speculation for things beyond my control.
Ok, back to the movie, it made me want to draw, simple crayon illustrations. Something to just express, to make me feel free. I know this has been running in my mind for a while. I need to break open and breathe. Do things which challenge me. Do new things. Probably work filled it in for me. My trip to Arunachal and Sikkim. The uncertainty. The adventure. Doing things at my own pace, and having control over my actions. I miss travelling on work. I had to walk along the canal to reach Aidlink. I saw scores and scores of people walk in my opposite direction to get to work. Work. Yes, work.  I think it just justifies the purpose of being useful to a larger something than you and your family. Like they say, life begins after the comfort zone. I am too much in my comfort zone and rotting within. 
I so look forward to that job. I look forward to some action. I know I am writing aimlessly. just like the dozens of thoughts floating aimlessly in my head.

Ah forgot, it helps to keep my eyes aimlessly scanning my surrounding in Dublin. The walk by the canal was super good. And found this gem - bee story on the way


Yours aimlessly floating,
Me

Monday, 12 August 2019

Substitution

After the high of EPIC programme, I saw myself fall down down down. Amidst a lot of craziness, I realised that I was putting on a lot of weight and losing a lot of hair. --> Waiting for a day when I would be losing a lot of weight and growing more hair. Anyways, a quick google search for weight gain + hair loss + acne said I need to detox. Cut sugar, coffee and junk. Ouch!
Being the super lazy bum that I am, I started thinking of substitution over cutting off. So there came broccoli, sweet potato, hummus, boiled channa, sprouted green peas, almond butter, and infused fruit teas. Did they help in cutting done much? Well well.. I can't say I reduced my intake. I can only say I reduced my refined intake. I had bulger wheat instead of rice for lunch which made me feel super full for long. Broccoli and/or sweetpotato for dinner. Sweetpotato for a slice of bread, almond butter for chocolate spread and hummus for cheese spread. First week was good. Now again the interview tamasha set in. Food seems to be the only thing which the brain is triggering for normalcy. Stupid, ignorant fatty lump!

Just felt like writing this down.

Doing everything but preparing for my interview tomorrow.

Ta ta
Me

Defensive brain

Sometimes, I am amazed by the sheer defensive mechanism my brain exhibits. I have an interview tomorrow with Aidlink as a Programme Officer. The role is so far the best fit I came across. And the first interview for a full-time development job in Ireland. So, isn't it obvious that I should be super prepared and give in my all?

But, my brain is programming me differently. I can see that it is not excited. I am sitting with so much relevant information in front of me. Nothing gets into my head.
Looks like the brain hasn't yet recovered from the last rejection. It isn't letting me put my heart into the preparation; afraid of another heartache? It still amazes me how much that little lump of fat and protein is drawing my attention away from the interview by giving me a fever. That doesn't work? It makes me want to eat every 30 minutes. Tea, coffee, salad, lunch, chocolate, oatcake and whatnot.

The last three interviews saw my system go topsy turvy. Sleepless nights, loose motions, anxiety. I felt more connected with the jobs, though they weren't exactly what I was looking for. I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to them but I gave them my best. With every round, Allianz got my hopes rising. I crashed big time when I didn't make it. Haven't fallen so low in 10 years.

Suddenly on Friday afternoon, Aisling calls me scheduling my availability for an interview first thing on a Tuesday. I am scared. Scared of embracing the opportunity. Scared of hoping. Scared of being optimistic. Scared of being vulnerable to rejection.

Ha ha, I just got a mail from Dochas. The mail says that they have offered the position to someone else. Well, I am supposed to feel sad, but that became a normal. I would be surprised if I got selected. But rejected, ah, that's like any other day. I have almost stopped expecting replies to all the applications I send it. Does that sound pessimistic? Probably yes. Isn't it the optimism that makes me apply to the next job again? A state of comfortably numb.
I don't know why I am writing. I probably needed an outlet. I needed to dump all this, detox and start preparing for my interview. I care too much for the position that I want to prepare myself to brace another rejection. I know I would do a decently good to quite good interview, be on some cloud between 1 to 9, float on for a while, brimming with endophine, and thud! fall face flat on the ground when I get a mail saying they found somoeone with a more relevant experience. Nevertheless, I go forward with the whole interview anxiety-post interview high- rejection low - new application cycle over and over again. Not to forget to get the blazer out, and keep it in again.
It is already 1530 and it is high time I get to my objective of the day.
Till again,

Yours thoughtfully,
Sameera


A file photo of the low tide beach

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