More choices to make for a Libran, why God why?

Happy New Year. It is 2019 already. And a lot of things happened in the last 3 months. I went to Canada. I started the gym ( well, joined long back, got regular for 3 weeks, break for the trip & re-started in the new year again. fingers crossed) Best part of the gym - going and coming back with husband dearest. Good thing - makes the first quarter of the day productive. Bad thing - dont feel like going out of the house later.
Entered 2019 with a lot of baggage. My applications are pending. SoPs are pending. Bad news - my MDP is not eligible for any of the scholarships I had been chasing. Which means, chances of pursuing the course almost hit a zero. Too expensive. Hopes on TCD, the application has to go in first. Have to apply for courses eligible for scholarships. Huh!
I really don't have much to write on the blog today. I have to work on my SoP. Just wanted to say hi. And also mention about the two-day brainstorming exercise for taking or leaving 38, The Elms. End verdict, health is important than health. ANy day! And the delta R in the rent saving can be used to travel to Europe. Good luck to my Schengen Visa. Heads up to kick-starting of Euro travel!
Before all that, finish applications. And yes, interview on 15th Jan. All Together in Dignity! First one of the new year. Anxious, but don't want to get my hope rising. Bored to hearing - You have a great profile but we found someone with more relevant experience.

 Cheers 2019 - You have to be a career change breaker. Life changer would be a big word :D
Good Luck

Happy Birthday to me :)

One of my best birthdays so far... Smooth, warm, sunny and cozy.
Yes, I am 32. And I am in a position to see how the meaning of celebrations changed with time. The energy levels and the aftermath.

For one, a lot of to-do things have been stricken out. Bobo's burgers.. This has been on my list from the time i heard their advertisement on the radio. I know that I am a big advertisement additive shoppers, but yes, a good catchy advertisement is worth giving it a try. If they put so much effort into the advertisement, they might as well put in more into the product they are serving.
Next, irish coffee and brownie. Ta da.. both in one, topped with whipped cream and chocolate ice. Bliss. Murphys Ice cream was not on the to-do, but glad to have ticked it off. It was worth the cost. May not be the hype. I did enjoy the ice cream conversations. The reflections. And how not having a lot to choose from influences the customer. This is something i do want to explore more into. And the best part, how easy it is for a Libran to not have to make choices. What do I want? Brownie? What is your speciality? Irish Ice cream? Can I taste it? yes. Do you want a scoop of irish coffee ice cream with your brownie sundae? Absolutely! Problem solved. Wow
Red velvet cake. M&S didnt have a fresh cake but this was the best we could find. And... surprise! it turned out lot better than we expected. Moist and just the right amount of sweet. Ticked off. The cake seemed so irresistible, I cut it IST time. New night dress + bday started in the time zone I was born = bday celebrations start. Followed by cake for breakfast.. ah! those times :)
And my long due hair cut! Oh I was so so happy with the hair cut. It just felt so better with my husband's approval. God bless the young man :) He worked hard to make the day special for me. How it means so much to me

I have to pause this jottling for now.. cya in a while

Adding value

It has been about a week since the MBA fever has subsided. Made peace with the decision. Well, almost. It does keep popping once in a while, to check my commitment to my sector and get me in touch with the -areyouwaastingawayyourlife? syndrome or doyouthinkyoucantakechances syndrome. But hell ya, I made some decisions in life and I don't have any responsibilities. I should atleast be grateful enough to not follow the bandwagon and discover my true calling. Proudly Made In Africa knocked the door just then. I really liked their concept. Value addition to the products produced in Africa. Quite similar to the value addition I dreamt off for the handlooms, handicrafts, coffee,cashew, pineapple and all the products which KRuSHE promoted inside India. That is a value chain. Here, it is a Global Value Chain. And that brings me back to the crush of the previous year, GVCs. Value Addition and Supply Chain are sure keeping me excited. Again, pause. If that is what excites me, isn't an MBA more suitable? Well, from my research, I came to understand that switching sectors - as in entering supply chains/procurement wouldn't be easy with an MBA. So, lets say, if i am so interested, why cant I study them online, hands-on on work. I read that PMIA collaborates with the course Business & Society. Again, a slap on the face. Maybe I should have.... Hmm. But again, won't my internship be of better advantage. Bingo! Now, I am pinning my hopes on this unpaid internship. Adding so much value to it that it is going to hurt if i mess it up. Ufff!!
Just in time, I get an offer to MPA with a conditional scholarship of 4000 for 18700. So the idea is to get some experience (possibly an internship) before accepting the offer. God! Why do I have to make so many decisions in life!

Wishing me luck for my informal meeting tomorrow.

Me

Taking decisions, the Libran Way

The last two weeks have been crazy. One hell of a ride of self-discovery. On a  Thursday evening, two weeks ago, I got a call from Susie. Asking me if I was interested in taking up a FT MBA at Smurfit. Then I got a call from Colm, confirming my admission and asking me to accept or reject the offer in a day or two. At that moment, my joy saw no bounds. I was on top of the world. The best news to hear, probably after I got my IRMA admission. An end to all the confusion and uncertainty. I was so so relieved. I just couldn't count my blessings and feel how lucky I was. In spite of a not so impressive GMAT score and initial refusal to a full-time admission, here I was, ready to do an MBA in one of the top 100 colleges in the world, top 25 in Europe and the best in Ireland. Totally totally high!
Praveen was also equally relieved and casually shared his happiness with his colleagues. Bump! First road bump. MBAs in Ireland aren't the same as that of India and the US. You build on your past experience to don't really make a significant career change. With this, the over 10-day long research started. Stalking people on LinkedIn, asking for opinions on Facebook, writing emails in Gmail, having long chats over Lycamobile. Social media and technology have been fully utilised to get an understanding of the sector and my opportunities post the MBA. This got me thinking, why do I want to do an MBA? Bummer. I don't have an answer. Rewind back 10 years, why did I want to do an MBA?  Still, no answer. Why did I want to go to IRMA? I didn't want to do finance or hr or IT or Public Sector. My rendezvous with IRMA was an accidental love affair. The love for the sector grew with every single day. It was a risk taken on intuition and the love for not following the bandwagon.  And the scope and vastness the degree opened to me are never-ending. I enjoyed new avenues the course opened to me, the rawness and the reality. The uncertainties and the no-problem-is-alike scenario.
My stint at my last job ended on a bitter note and probably made it easy for me to leave my country. And the same feeling lingered on, made me write my GMAT and apply for an MBA. Not getting a seat and parallelly getting the official permission to work started a new phase. I made peace with not getting a seat and moved on. Though I was looking at the mainstream MBA openings, only the one related to my sector got me excited. I didn't realise my attachment to my sector till I got my MBA seat and had to give up on my sector. I enjoyed my work because I liked it. I may get a decent job after my MBA but that doesn't ensure that I would enjoy it. Switching careers is alright unless you know that you no longer want what you have and really really want what you are getting into. Mine is the other way round. Money was a definite factor, but when I was writing my rejection mail with emphasis on the inability to pay with the lack of scholarship, a part of me was frightened that if I get a scholarship, I might have to take up the course. I didn't want to get into this with so much doubt and uncertainty. This isn't my true calling. I never had the business acumen or the fire to survive in the corporate world. I don't have it now either. I can't fight my place up. or keep fighting to keep my place.
This saying, the 2 weeks long grind did make me drop MBA off my list. The struggle is yet to decide if I want to take up MPA at this moment or continue looking for jobs. And to keep me from hitting my low. To utilise the time I have and learn new things. I have so many courses in my edx which i want to learn. I have n number of jobs on my indeed and linkedin waiting to be customised and applied. I have this major sine curve hormonal highs and lows. In the midst of all the chaos, I am searching for a routine, and scared of losing the chaos as well.

To more self-discoveries and finding the path, in all the chaos.

Yours
Me

TataCliq

I have been on a crazy ride for the last two weeks. Glued to my phone. Glued to TataCliq. Glued to Westside. Obsession? More than that. Actually, the first couple of days were understandable. I wanted to spend money. And I did. And I felt good. And then there was a brief pause. All good. Goods started reaching home. And then again, in the last four-five days, the itch is back. More about checking if what I wanted were reduced further, or what was out of stock came back to stock, or just, if I missed out seeing something which was good, and didn't catch my eye! I am sure I haven't put so much sincerity and dedication into anything like this, maybe after my MicroEconomics, cause that it what struck my head now. Anyways, I do feel there is more to this obsession than the want or need to buy and own stuff. I think this is about weighing options and making decisions and taking risks. Something I badly miss doing. I seriously don't remember when I did all that. And I feel safe to do this because it is totally my hard (or not so hard) earned money. MY money. I spent over twelve grand already. And I am not stopping. And the worst part, I am not being open to criticism either. I like it, I like it. I just want it. Some items are beyond rational. But, it is being some comfort corner for me. My little secret. Foxhole. Whatever!
I am not proud of what I am doing. I can't be back it up. I know I can buy at least half the stuff here at a higher price, but minus the transportation weight. More than a fraction might not even be relevant till next summer. All said, I still feel for the materialistic merchandise and just just hope the sale ends soon enough for me to get back to my senses. And that the weight doesn't go beyond what I need to be lectured about.
P.S. Flunked the job interview I had put all my hopes in. I did order a bunch of clothes assuming I would get a job and would need them when I go to work every day. I kind of upset me more than I knew it would, I don't really feel like applying for more jobs. I know I have to.  I am skimming through, but the fire did take a blow. Puffff

Till better times, or thoughts or weirder doing,

Thoughtfully,
Me

Give it up, before it gets you in

I am not sure if I am going insane or trying to use it as an escape. I am getting addicted to sitcoms. I was getting kinda low and misty-eyed this morning. Want I was to do was to open up and read some stuff. But I ended up opening the ipad and watching some stuff just to cheer me up temporarily. And then, I was totally getting so hooked up into buying stuff online. Which by the way, I had to just check the Primark website as I started writing the blog. I am giving in to my urge. Letting it take its own course. But it ain't the best side of me. I mean, that huge urge to buy stuff. I think there is more to the urge then just owning stuff. I think it is more of an inner assertiveness to fulfill the spending urge. The financial independence urge. The urge to claim what I have been trying to suppress. It goes without saying that it isn't making me any better. Trying to compare stuff with the costs here, thinking striking a bargain, illusion of saving. I need to admit. This financial crisis is cutting me from inside. I don't feel like buying new shoes and my feet are hurting like crazy after a walk. I don't join the gym coz I have to spend money on it. I am going through an emotional meltdown and it isn't the best thing I can ask for at the moment. And I am suppressing all this either by just stuffing myself with food or watching sitcoms or just playing wordament. It isn't helping anyone. But using my husband's money is only making me feel even more worthless. I know getting the job is the only solution but I am not working hard enough for it. It is all a vicious cycle. I was totally scared by the amount of time I spent on the Tatacliq website in the last three days. I was up till 11, 12 in the night to shortlist the things I want to buy. I had to buy the stuff today. I had to break the chain. A complete transaction didn't get complete peace but did give a momentary break. How irritating it is when you know what the issue is and how you can fix it before you go to sleep and wake up at ZERO every day. Every day, day after day. The days pass and nothing accomplishes. More fat on the tummy. More numbness in the head. And days pass. I was so fucking nervous when I opened my mouth for the interview. I am so scared to even look at the videos after the interview. It is easier to believe that I did ok-ok and be in an anticipatory good mood then see the videos and get feedback and work on my shortcomings. I am just worried about myself. The way I am dwindling downhill. I can not hate myself. But I cant pamper it over and over. I need to pull up my socks. But it is getting the same every day. Huh

I still have dishes to do and make the bed. Havent done a single chore since morning. 

Until later.

eM

A small light seems to appear at the end of the tunnel

Lots of pent up thoughts and feelings. Some vents. Some regrets. Some hormones off the grid. Yet, it is good to 'let it gooo' and let live. I started this new sitcom Dharma & Greg and it does keep throwing in bits, here and there, to live a little better, be true to yourself and strive towards being one with the real you. I did want to pen down a lot more personal stuff, real real personal, so, unfortunately, a public blog cannot be it. So I am going to write and maybe erase it off on my laptop itself.  That would take more time though.
Well, a little light at the tunnel for me. Got a call for a job I badly want. Haven't put in much effort in its prep today though. !@#$%%& to me for that! Anyways, so I was asking God to make me the only candidate for the post or have an internal candidate and chose me over her/him. And while I was telling God that I haven't spoken to 'him' in a while and that it was ok because God is everywhere and I talk to myself all the time, hence I talk to God. And now that I am asking God to help me. And the corollary to the first statement is to help myself! I had this moment of flash and foolishness when I had this realisation. Help myself! How simple and straightforward is t. And it boils down to my childhood prayer, to help me give in my best and how God will help those who help themselves.
God, please let me use the time I have effectively and efficiently. Let me prepare well. Let me remember, recollect and reproduce my knowledge and experiences. Give me the confidence to put in my best. And please, I know I haven't given my best shot yet for a job, but I did give in a year of unemployment. This job does seem like a dream come true. Let me not break it. Help me!!


Think that's for now.

Yours,
Me

Mom Sitcom

I have been watching the sitcom MOM lately. It kind of like the people in there fill the vacuum of having a bunch of girls-women-ladies at work. Talking, bitching, showing off, getting dressed, giving advice, sharing food. I do miss that. As I put down the words, I realise the resemblance the ladies played. Not that I can fix it. Hmm
Anyways, I opened my laptop today to write that the best thing I ran into today is a new pair of washing gloves. Yes, you read it right. They have a new design. And they are new. And I saved it to start when I was opening a new bottle of washing liquid. And the washing scrouge. I am equally surprised to realise how much excitement using all the three new things has given me. And I feel like crying to know that it has actually emotionally stirred me. What a mess I have become!!!!!!!!!!!!
Huh!
I wanted to write about the coffee saga today and of not giving up. I forgot to turn down the power yesterday, and my milk boiled and spilled off. To compensate for the badly behaved coffee, I made another. This time, only after washing, cleaning, drying and putting everything in place. And on regular power. But what happens. This time, it spills more. My mistake. Wanted to be a good girl and make less coffee. So I boiled only half a cup of milk and keep it on regular power. Result. It just puff. almost all the milk spill over. All over the microwave plate. This is after I clean the microwave plate, dry it, get a chair to reach and place it on top. And as I remove the microwave plate to clean it again, it spills over all that I had cleaned before. And no brownies for guessing. I clean again. Andd, I feel super freaked out. But, I didnt want to give up. So I clean it all up and repeat all that was done before, and again make coffee. This time I have my eyes on the microwave. And one second I take my eyes off, it boils over. Ths time its just a little. So I could still make my coffee. But I really lost the enthu I was trying to pull up for the day. I just snuggle in and watch more Mom.
I am also overeating from the last couple of days. Not working on my jobs. I arent feeling very charged. I am feeling quite low. It is almost a week less than a year since I got off  my last job. I miss the routine. I miss being busy. I miss all the hustle bustle of work. Deadlines, meeting. What not. And I am also really really worried. I am trying to hold on a littel torch of hope that I would get a job. Dont know how long I have to wait or compromise to make it work. I know why I did this. And I know its worth. I just dont want to lose myself in the process a making things get better.

Love and thoughts,
Me

scroll scroll scroll

Thanks to the every growing time I spend on social media, I am losing my ability to read an article completely. Instead, I am saving what I intend to read, at some unknown point of time, and then, go scroll scroll scroll. This has ruined my ability to concentrate and focus my energies on a single task. I know this. I know this from long. Felt the biggest punch on my jaw during my GMAT prep time. Still, what did I do? Nothing. Scroll scroll scroll. The spring unwinds and gets to its original form. Sat down to write a resume for an important job application I intend to apply today, and I haven't even looked into it. I just do scroll scroll scroll on my phone. I dont even wish to see the updates. Good thing, my s3 has moved on from Facebook to Linkedin. Bad thing, I still do not read the articles on LinkedIn. Such a lazy mass the grey matter is turning into! Who or what will help me, if I do not help myself. And, I know what I want to do as well. But, the day starts and progresses the same way, every day, day after day. Huh!
Yep, does feel better.

Got to get that job!

Yours,
Me

Confession

Eating scoops of Triple Chocolate ice cream from a Healthy living low fat mousse cup! Aaaahh!! First, you have to eat the mousse to create space. Then when the mousse is half done, open the ice cream tub and put some (a little more than some) of it into the half empty mousse cup. Okay, I put an extra spoon coz I want to make it look full so that I don't come in for another helping. Yup, my eyes need to sink in first. And then, tiptoe and grab another scoop to fit into the empty mousse cup. And then, when guilt strikes in, open the blog which noone reads and pour over your heart and confess!! Ta da . . deal is done :D
How simple!
How I love to fool myself and pamper myself at the same time. I read an article which mentions  'healthy metabolic obesity' in the morning. It ends with, depends on if you wish to live till 60 or 80. Why would I be lying if I say, 60 and chilling then 80 by the rule book. Just when I think I am going a little overboard and doing something which is so close to nothing. Hmmm! Yeah, the chocolate high becomes low in a moment. Sugar rush!
Bought two pairs of jeans yesterday, and checked the size conversions this morning. I still wear the same size which happens to be more comfortable than my current pants. But hey, whom am I bluffing. I can see the wobbly adipose with my own two times two eyes.

Alright, confessions up.

Yours more truly, less thoughtfully,
Me 

Let it go

How every activity has a lesson to teach. How much I appreciate my hand blender when I have no full-size blender. And how much I really cared for it when I did have the big one. But now, with the minimalistic but sufficient stuff, I do appreciate the lack of junk. Wait, this isnt what I opened my laptop at 2220 to write about when I was busy doing the dishes. I only wanted to write about how grateful I am for what I have, and how what I have is absolutely enough to give what I want. Well, not even that. It was just how lovely my prawn curry gravy turned out with the simple hand blender. soft and silky. And nothing more. Period.
And since I anyways opened my laptop, another self-observation confession. I was at Tesco. Picking groceries. Buying some, window-shopping some. There was a lot of stuff which I would have unmindfully picked up if I was back home and earning my buck. Now, I do think, definitely more than thrice (at least) before I pick something. Today, I was shopping light and thought I could just finish off and pick those forever pending stuff. Surprisingly, I didn't do it. I stared at it long enough for the impulse to gratify my brain and. And I just walked away. I felt good that I didn't give in to the impulse and that I could move on. The urge to possess is such an infatuation. So strong, yet so momentous. That moment, to give in ( like the way I ate my chocolate this morning) or move on (out of the house for a walk yday morning) does make a whole lot difference.  I would most probably forget about that stuff (I can't even clearly recollect the entire list) till I set my eyes on them again. That is how important (or not) that stuff is to me. But had I given into the moment, I would have unnecessarily added value to it. An emotion. It is all the head. The product or the person is the same. It is what emotion or value you give to it in your head that makes all the difference to you.
As I walked away without an emotion, I felt mature ( another emotion, but to me and not the stuff. Yup, I value myself 8-).

To me!

Yours thoughtfully,
Me again :D