Give it up, before it gets you in

I am not sure if I am going insane or trying to use it as an escape. I am getting addicted to sitcoms. I was getting kinda low and misty-eyed this morning. Want I was to do was to open up and read some stuff. But I ended up opening the ipad and watching some stuff just to cheer me up temporarily. And then, I was totally getting so hooked up into buying stuff online. Which by the way, I had to just check the Primark website as I started writing the blog. I am giving in to my urge. Letting it take its own course. But it ain't the best side of me. I mean, that huge urge to buy stuff. I think there is more to the urge then just owning stuff. I think it is more of an inner assertiveness to fulfill the spending urge. The financial independence urge. The urge to claim what I have been trying to suppress. It goes without saying that it isn't making me any better. Trying to compare stuff with the costs here, thinking striking a bargain, illusion of saving. I need to admit. This financial crisis is cutting me from inside. I don't feel like buying new shoes and my feet are hurting like crazy after a walk. I don't join the gym coz I have to spend money on it. I am going through an emotional meltdown and it isn't the best thing I can ask for at the moment. And I am suppressing all this either by just stuffing myself with food or watching sitcoms or just playing wordament. It isn't helping anyone. But using my husband's money is only making me feel even more worthless. I know getting the job is the only solution but I am not working hard enough for it. It is all a vicious cycle. I was totally scared by the amount of time I spent on the Tatacliq website in the last three days. I was up till 11, 12 in the night to shortlist the things I want to buy. I had to buy the stuff today. I had to break the chain. A complete transaction didn't get complete peace but did give a momentary break. How irritating it is when you know what the issue is and how you can fix it before you go to sleep and wake up at ZERO every day. Every day, day after day. The days pass and nothing accomplishes. More fat on the tummy. More numbness in the head. And days pass. I was so fucking nervous when I opened my mouth for the interview. I am so scared to even look at the videos after the interview. It is easier to believe that I did ok-ok and be in an anticipatory good mood then see the videos and get feedback and work on my shortcomings. I am just worried about myself. The way I am dwindling downhill. I can not hate myself. But I cant pamper it over and over. I need to pull up my socks. But it is getting the same every day. Huh

I still have dishes to do and make the bed. Havent done a single chore since morning. 

Until later.

eM