A small light seems to appear at the end of the tunnel

Lots of pent up thoughts and feelings. Some vents. Some regrets. Some hormones off the grid. Yet, it is good to 'let it gooo' and let live. I started this new sitcom Dharma & Greg and it does keep throwing in bits, here and there, to live a little better, be true to yourself and strive towards being one with the real you. I did want to pen down a lot more personal stuff, real real personal, so, unfortunately, a public blog cannot be it. So I am going to write and maybe erase it off on my laptop itself.  That would take more time though.
Well, a little light at the tunnel for me. Got a call for a job I badly want. Haven't put in much effort in its prep today though. !@#$%%& to me for that! Anyways, so I was asking God to make me the only candidate for the post or have an internal candidate and chose me over her/him. And while I was telling God that I haven't spoken to 'him' in a while and that it was ok because God is everywhere and I talk to myself all the time, hence I talk to God. And now that I am asking God to help me. And the corollary to the first statement is to help myself! I had this moment of flash and foolishness when I had this realisation. Help myself! How simple and straightforward is t. And it boils down to my childhood prayer, to help me give in my best and how God will help those who help themselves.
God, please let me use the time I have effectively and efficiently. Let me prepare well. Let me remember, recollect and reproduce my knowledge and experiences. Give me the confidence to put in my best. And please, I know I haven't given my best shot yet for a job, but I did give in a year of unemployment. This job does seem like a dream come true. Let me not break it. Help me!!


Think that's for now.

Yours,
Me

Mom Sitcom

I have been watching the sitcom MOM lately. It kind of like the people in there fill the vacuum of having a bunch of girls-women-ladies at work. Talking, bitching, showing off, getting dressed, giving advice, sharing food. I do miss that. As I put down the words, I realise the resemblance the ladies played. Not that I can fix it. Hmm
Anyways, I opened my laptop today to write that the best thing I ran into today is a new pair of washing gloves. Yes, you read it right. They have a new design. And they are new. And I saved it to start when I was opening a new bottle of washing liquid. And the washing scrouge. I am equally surprised to realise how much excitement using all the three new things has given me. And I feel like crying to know that it has actually emotionally stirred me. What a mess I have become!!!!!!!!!!!!
Huh!
I wanted to write about the coffee saga today and of not giving up. I forgot to turn down the power yesterday, and my milk boiled and spilled off. To compensate for the badly behaved coffee, I made another. This time, only after washing, cleaning, drying and putting everything in place. And on regular power. But what happens. This time, it spills more. My mistake. Wanted to be a good girl and make less coffee. So I boiled only half a cup of milk and keep it on regular power. Result. It just puff. almost all the milk spill over. All over the microwave plate. This is after I clean the microwave plate, dry it, get a chair to reach and place it on top. And as I remove the microwave plate to clean it again, it spills over all that I had cleaned before. And no brownies for guessing. I clean again. Andd, I feel super freaked out. But, I didnt want to give up. So I clean it all up and repeat all that was done before, and again make coffee. This time I have my eyes on the microwave. And one second I take my eyes off, it boils over. Ths time its just a little. So I could still make my coffee. But I really lost the enthu I was trying to pull up for the day. I just snuggle in and watch more Mom.
I am also overeating from the last couple of days. Not working on my jobs. I arent feeling very charged. I am feeling quite low. It is almost a week less than a year since I got off  my last job. I miss the routine. I miss being busy. I miss all the hustle bustle of work. Deadlines, meeting. What not. And I am also really really worried. I am trying to hold on a littel torch of hope that I would get a job. Dont know how long I have to wait or compromise to make it work. I know why I did this. And I know its worth. I just dont want to lose myself in the process a making things get better.

Love and thoughts,
Me

scroll scroll scroll

Thanks to the every growing time I spend on social media, I am losing my ability to read an article completely. Instead, I am saving what I intend to read, at some unknown point of time, and then, go scroll scroll scroll. This has ruined my ability to concentrate and focus my energies on a single task. I know this. I know this from long. Felt the biggest punch on my jaw during my GMAT prep time. Still, what did I do? Nothing. Scroll scroll scroll. The spring unwinds and gets to its original form. Sat down to write a resume for an important job application I intend to apply today, and I haven't even looked into it. I just do scroll scroll scroll on my phone. I dont even wish to see the updates. Good thing, my s3 has moved on from Facebook to Linkedin. Bad thing, I still do not read the articles on LinkedIn. Such a lazy mass the grey matter is turning into! Who or what will help me, if I do not help myself. And, I know what I want to do as well. But, the day starts and progresses the same way, every day, day after day. Huh!
Yep, does feel better.

Got to get that job!

Yours,
Me

Confession

Eating scoops of Triple Chocolate ice cream from a Healthy living low fat mousse cup! Aaaahh!! First, you have to eat the mousse to create space. Then when the mousse is half done, open the ice cream tub and put some (a little more than some) of it into the half empty mousse cup. Okay, I put an extra spoon coz I want to make it look full so that I don't come in for another helping. Yup, my eyes need to sink in first. And then, tiptoe and grab another scoop to fit into the empty mousse cup. And then, when guilt strikes in, open the blog which noone reads and pour over your heart and confess!! Ta da . . deal is done :D
How simple!
How I love to fool myself and pamper myself at the same time. I read an article which mentions  'healthy metabolic obesity' in the morning. It ends with, depends on if you wish to live till 60 or 80. Why would I be lying if I say, 60 and chilling then 80 by the rule book. Just when I think I am going a little overboard and doing something which is so close to nothing. Hmmm! Yeah, the chocolate high becomes low in a moment. Sugar rush!
Bought two pairs of jeans yesterday, and checked the size conversions this morning. I still wear the same size which happens to be more comfortable than my current pants. But hey, whom am I bluffing. I can see the wobbly adipose with my own two times two eyes.

Alright, confessions up.

Yours more truly, less thoughtfully,
Me 

Let it go

How every activity has a lesson to teach. How much I appreciate my hand blender when I have no full-size blender. And how much I really cared for it when I did have the big one. But now, with the minimalistic but sufficient stuff, I do appreciate the lack of junk. Wait, this isnt what I opened my laptop at 2220 to write about when I was busy doing the dishes. I only wanted to write about how grateful I am for what I have, and how what I have is absolutely enough to give what I want. Well, not even that. It was just how lovely my prawn curry gravy turned out with the simple hand blender. soft and silky. And nothing more. Period.
And since I anyways opened my laptop, another self-observation confession. I was at Tesco. Picking groceries. Buying some, window-shopping some. There was a lot of stuff which I would have unmindfully picked up if I was back home and earning my buck. Now, I do think, definitely more than thrice (at least) before I pick something. Today, I was shopping light and thought I could just finish off and pick those forever pending stuff. Surprisingly, I didn't do it. I stared at it long enough for the impulse to gratify my brain and. And I just walked away. I felt good that I didn't give in to the impulse and that I could move on. The urge to possess is such an infatuation. So strong, yet so momentous. That moment, to give in ( like the way I ate my chocolate this morning) or move on (out of the house for a walk yday morning) does make a whole lot difference.  I would most probably forget about that stuff (I can't even clearly recollect the entire list) till I set my eyes on them again. That is how important (or not) that stuff is to me. But had I given into the moment, I would have unnecessarily added value to it. An emotion. It is all the head. The product or the person is the same. It is what emotion or value you give to it in your head that makes all the difference to you.
As I walked away without an emotion, I felt mature ( another emotion, but to me and not the stuff. Yup, I value myself 8-).

To me!

Yours thoughtfully,
Me again :D

Meditation

This process of unburdening my thoughts is starting to have a soothing effect on me.

1. The process of thought is being initiated

2. Energy is getting focused

Some questions get answered even before they touch the notepad. And I am enjoying the process. 

Happy me.

Road less travelled

Weekends are the lazy brain days. Not that weekdays gives it a lot of exercises to keep it fit and sharp! Another Monday begins and I am lost again. Lost in emptiness amidst all the chores squeaking for my attention.

Yesterday, as I was going for an evening walk, I had two routes to reach the place I intended to go. I could have taken the regular path by the beach, or take the low tide beach. A small peck inside me pushed me to take the road less traveled (literally) and I started walking in the low tide. From far, I couldn's spot any water. I could see the imprint left by the waves on the sand but not much water. The low tide was fresh from a heavy rain, followed by humid sun. So I walked. A little lost in my thoughts and a little cautious of my step, and above all, excited for choosing the path less travelled. Before I realised, I was midway and the beach in front of me had more water than I expected.
 I could turn back, retrace my steps and take the regular path. It was then that the correlation to my current state stuck me. I followed my husband to an unknown land, with uncertain opportunities for me, when I had the option of staying back in my country where my education could ensure me of a career. From a distance, it seemed adventurous to take the path less traveled.
 The path taken to reach the destination is what makes the journey fun to me. The wet sand demands carefully chosen steps. But a wrong step wouldn't hurt me or pull me into the water. I only have to take careful steps at a time to keep the joy intact. Or follow the routine boring but certain road that takes me to my destination for sure, even before I realise. These tiny thoughts encouraged me to go further and in minutes I crossed the beach, and my shoes partly wet. I felt light. Terribly tiny achievements, I say. But an achievement nevertheless. A tiny push to move ahead. And it finds its way into my head. I have been walking that path for almost every single day in the last 8 months but never did I think of it this way.
I am now somewhere in the middle of the beach, with lesser options available than I thought when I left home. Yet, it isn't the end of world. If the end of the road is a destination, that would probably be the end of life and so the journey must go on until its end. With new roads to take and new paths to explore. Perseverance, endurance, and grit.

On the more everyday surviving tactics, I keep wondering how housewives/spouses in general splurge on the earning of their spouses. Is marrying a person entitles the other the right over each other's wallets? It probably does. But I say, it does give a different sense of pride to spend/ splurge/ burn the buck you earn. Eleven months post my last pay cheque. Sulking again!

Pheeeww. Unsteady.

Should send a couple of job applications today for sure.



For newer paths, for more movements of life, and memories,

Yours thoughtfully, or unthoughtfully,
Me

Gender and Identification

Gender and Identification, this sounds so much like Gender and Development, or GAD, onee of my courses at IRMA. Today, we were brain storming a name for my kid sister's daughter and the topic just sprung. Need for gender. Why names are there to denote a gender? A name represents so many things, gender/ sex is definitely on the priority list. I thought probably when the system of names started, it was obviously for identification, but more so, there was a need in the society to identify feminine and masculine jobs and segregate them. Well, people married opposite sexes. People were respected/ treated according to their sex. But now, as the world is progressing ( definitely in time, if not anything else), there is lesser need for gender segregation. People all over are fighting for to reduce gender pay gap. Most jobs advertise that they dont discriminate people based on their gender. People of the same sex marry or get into a relationship. So practically the need to identify based on the sex is decreasing. And probably, the need for the name to point out your sex too will reduce.


That's the thought for today.

Yours thoughtfully,
Sameera

Productive?

Alright, so I have to go out, but I have this whole big urge to write something before I go. It could probably be the same - do another task when you have to do something else.
Anyways, I did wait a while for the system to start because it strangely hung twice before I had to force restart. So, that huge wanting to write still wins. Bingo!
Today, I did all my chores. I did the dishes thrice, and cleaned the kitchen platform ( the first thing you see when you get home), did the bed, did the sweeping, put the garbage ready to be thrown out, did laundry, ironed the formals and yes, even took a bath before 4! Wow, yes. I didn't go for a walk or did any stretching. But fine, it is one of those productive days in Dublin. Productive? These chores are the necessary ones, but are they really productive. Did I put my brain into any of them? No, I did them all while watching The Big Bang Theory, and guess completed some 6 or 7 episodes or maybe more in that process. So, definition of productive? Put my brain? Then, not productive! Phew, the whole I COMPLETED MY DAY'S WORK feeling just flew out of the open window.
But.. I am going out now, to finish the TO DO list. No groceries, No Lunch tomo. So off I go, before I feel anymore lowww.

Thinking of low, yesterday I found a  lil spike of high. So, yesterday was the International FIsh and Chips Day, and we bought a bag of F&C at half the price. No, that's not the cause of my joy, but what follows. So, you get a scratch card. I asked for one (with my husband's encouragement) and scratched and won! Yes, I won! Okay. I won a free Coke tin. So what! I won. And that is all that matters. I won. Simple!!

Okies. Off I go!
My fastest post to date. Yeah, like I am blogging all my life

Yours thoughtfully,
Sameera

Cover letter - Task Accomplised

Aaaaand, it is done. Without leaving my seat for an hour and a half! Wow.

The dishes are still waiting to be cleaned. And so is the cup of tea, waiting to be made.



Most importantly, it is still one of the first job applications to be sent out.

Long way to go before I meet my right fit. Before I get my fresh cheque. Before I spend my salary ;)

Well well, it is a journey, of adventure and experience. And many learnings.  Get set goooooooooooooo.


To my mood swings and energy swings,

Yours thoughtfully,
Sameera 

Cover Letter

May 23, 2018

My thought for my day - Today

Keeping the brain active is the key to a healthy brain. Keeping the body active, is a key to a healthy body. Simple. Yeah?

Was talking to my 61-year-old mother this morning about her 85-year-old mother. How my grandma still remembers the birthdays and addresses without facebook sending her updates or Google showing her directions. It got us thinking about Dementia and how keeping the brain active and having a healthy social life has its impact on the brain at the later stages of life.

My retired yet working mother, couldn't stay at home for 4 days straight with her new muse, the youtube. She says browsing her phone makes her all dull and gloomy. 

A recent conversation with my sister-in-law who is systematically managing my niece's therapy was talking about formulating goals and creating strategies to achieve the goals. Absolute project management on a live project with various stakeholders and almost instant feedback. And lots of black holes and dead ends.

Yes, all the three people are busy with their respective duties, keeping their heads ever occupied and constantly thinking and contemplating. 

And here I am, not able to sit for ten minutes straight to write a cover letter to a job I intended to apply a week ago. I  have the attention span of a fly and the patience of a bee. I never knew how to think, words just rattle off my mouth. Sometimes, it does amuse me when I talk sense. I always feel I am capable of doing more. But now, I am gradually forgetting all that I had learned in the last 31 years of my life. Yup, unused things get wasted and find their own exit, my brain is no exception.

Thankfully, the introspect button is still able to function under the thick greasy adipose layer. The only sound I hear for the major part of my day is the sound in my head. The sound which talks to all the imaginary people like a telepathic skype call. And which is equally active in the night, connecting my subconscious to strange things with weird connections. Just the way my LinkedIn profile throws me job profiles based on one random job I browse.

Yes, the cover letter isn't finished yet. Between eating fruit, junk, and husband dearest's chicken curry and rice, and watching some short films and browsing my phone and the damned facebook, and not stepping out in spite of the lovely weather outside, I sit to finish my cover letter. Instead, I open my blog for the first time. YoursThoughtfully, it is the name my husband thought of and I didn't connect to it then. Now, I feel more connected to it than ever before. Putting down the random thoughts that keep floating in my head day in and day out in this little space, to see them take a shape gives me some satisfaction. Some usefulness. Not to the society at large, but to the large body and small mind of me. Not a purpose of achievement but the feeling of unburdening. To be with me. Yes, an attempt to observe the thoughts that intertwine in my head and come out in its own flow. 

Yes, the cover letter isn't finished yet. The dishes are waiting to be cleaned. Before I get up to make myself a cup of tea, I intend to write at least a meaningful sentence or two for my cover letter. 

Until then, 

Yours Thoughtfully,

Sameera